Breaking the codependent/dependent spiral is an opportunity and a challenge for both. It is absolutely essential that one or the other break the spiral to stop the dysfunctional relationship.

This spiral is based on core beliefs.

The core beliefs of the codependent are: “I need to do more than my share in order to be good enough,” “If I’m not good enough, people won’t want me, they will leave me,” and, “I will be utterly alone and abandoned. I would rather die than be utterly alone and abandoned.”

And for the dependent, the core belief is: “Others have to take care of me because I am not able to take care of myself,” “I am too weak,” “too inadequate,” or “too sick.”

These core beliefs function at an unconscious level within the code-pendent/dependent spiral and tie together the dysfunctional and destructive relationship.

 Codependency and dependency are addictions. Powerful addictions!

Dependents don’t see codependency as an addiction because they genuinely believe that they are dependent on the codependent. They believe that they are not capable like other people, and they require and deserve a codependent to take care of them. Both parties fail to see clearly the dysfunctional and addictive spiral. This makes treatment difficult.

The first step in healing the codependent/dependent relationship is to acknowledge that it is truly a codependent/dependent relationship. One way for a codependent to know that a particular behavior is codependent, rather than genuine caring, is how they feel when they set appropriate limits with the dependent. Can they sleep at night? Or do they continue to feel guilty and responsible for that other person?

The expression, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink,” is analogous to leading dependents to water, if they don’t drink, are you going to recognize that this is the choice of the dependents or are you going to continue to try and make them drink?

Do you feel that you have failed if you can’t?

If so, that’s codependency. If you buy people books and they tear out the pages, are you going to say, “Oh well, I did my share? If they don’t want to read the book that’s their choice.” Or are you going to try and put the pieces of the book back together and read it to them? If you do, you’re codependent.

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