Dependents don’t see codependency as an addiction because they genuinely believe that they are dependent on the codependent. They believe that they are not capable like other people, and they require and deserve a codependent to take care of them. Both parties fail to see clearly the dysfunctional and addictive spiral. This makes treatment difficult.
The first step in healing the codependent/dependent relationship is to acknowledge that it is truly a codependent/dependent relationship. One way for a codependent to know that a particular behavior is codependent, rather than genuine caring, is how they feel when they set appropriate limits with the dependent. Can they sleep at night? Or do they continue to feel guilty and responsible for that other person?
The expression, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink,” is analogous to leading dependents to water, if they don’t drink, are you going to recognize that this is the choice of the dependents or are you going to continue to try and make them drink?
Do you feel that you have failed if you can’t?
If so, that’s codependency. If you buy people books and they tear out the pages, are you going to say, “Oh well, I did my share? If they don’t want to read the book that’s their choice.” Or are you going to try and put the pieces of the book back together and read it to them? If you do, you’re codependent.
If you would like to learn more...
